Do you struggle with that shaky, nervous feeling inside where you just can’t settle or rest?
Have you even been diagnosed with “anxiety” by a professional?
Have medication and talking it out failed to bring the relief you hoped for?
It can feel intolerable to be so jittery inside and not be able to calm yourself.
Do you sometimes wonder what is setting you off?
Often there is a real threat in your present life that keeps you on alert. There could be ongoing financial or relationship stress, challenges at work, or a myriad of other demands that keep your nervous system at a low (or high!) level of activation.
There is another root cause, and it’s the one that gets missed by most other professionals.
It is the stress of not having someone there with you in your stress!
It is called Alarmed Aloneness.
What is Alarmed Aloneness?
What is it?
With ‘trauma’ becoming such a buzzword these days, you may have heard about the activated nervous system states called “fight, flight & freeze”.
Each of these show up differently in your body.
When we work together, you will learn to recognize each one, as well as how to tenderly engage that bound survival energy and discharge it from your body, nervous system and energy field.
The “technique” is different for each one and you can learn them all. I guide you through them in a way that actually becomes fun and empowering!
Alarmed Aloneness holds a similar intensity to fight & flight, and activates all the same stress responses and biological systems in your body.
But it’s not flight (nothing to run away from), it’s not fight (no one to kick out of your boundary), and it’s not freeze (but it can escalate to freeze if it is not attended to.)
Alarmed Aloneness happens on the neurobiological circuit within you called the GRIEF/PANIC circuit.
You feel deeply sad, but also anxious or scared. You are upset and feel the threat of loving the safety of connection.
GRIEF/PANIC arises when you lose connection with your safe loved ones–the ones who help you feel safe and attached.
It comes up when you lose a pet.
It comes up when you break up with a lover.
It comes up when a loved one (especially a parent) dies.
It comes up when you feel ostracized by a group, especially through shaming.
It comes up around the holidays.
It can be triggered by current events, and awaken a backlog of past unattended abandonments which will intensify the feeling.
What does Alarmed Aloneness need to be soothed? Accompaniment. Connection.
What is accompaniment?
A safe and calm (well regulated) other person with you who is holding space and resonating with how you are feeling.
What is resonance?
It is not reassurance. Reassurance sounds like this:
“I’m sure they just forgot to invite you.”
“You will get through this.”
“There’s really nothing to be afraid of under your bed, see?”
Resonance is reflecting back to you, with warmth, respect and empathy, exactly how you are feeling and “tuning into it” with you so you are no longer alone in it.
“Does it feel like a knife in your belly to not be included in the invitation?”
“When you are in the middle of a panic attack, do you feel afraid you might not come out the other end?”
“Are you so worried about feeling humiliated in front of others when you are in this state?”
“Is your body just convinced there is something in your room that feels scary?”
If this sounds right and your body is saying “yes, this is what I need!” I can help!
I have expertise helping you to discharge fight, flight, freeze and alarmed aloneness from your body (7 years of trauma work so far, on top of 18 more of Energy Healing before that).
I also know how to do resonance work. It's actually a skill we need to learn if we didn't grow up having it modeled to us.
I’ve worked with many people who have anxiety and for most Alarmed Aloneness was the missing piece that cracked the code.
When I read what is unfolding in your energy field, you will feel like I am right there with you, seeing you at a deep level.
Attuning to you in this way, really helps me to find just the right words that will resonate with what you are holding inside.
When I share those words with you, often as a question, it is called an “empathy guess”.
When we work together long enough, I can gradually teach you how to do this work for yourself as “self-resonance” so you can make empathy guesses back to yourself. Self-resonance will calm your own nervous system when you are in the shock of Alarmed Aloneness.
You can learn to accompany yourself and be your own caring person when GRIEF/PANIC is triggered!
I can help you make shifts and clear things out of your energy field through virtual work when we meet on zoom or sitting in front of one another in person in my Wakefield, Quebec office.
There is another layer to Alarmed Aloneness. It could be intergenerational stress and trauma, or the unaccompanied and un-soothed GRIEF/PANIC of someone in your family system that came before you.
I'll talk about that in my next blog post.
If your anxiety is still ambushing you and draining your joy, let’s work together to see if I can help you heal it once and for all!
New-to-me-clients:
I welcome you to begin with my 1:1 Pain to Purpose healing package as I request all new clients to do so we can properly dig in and excavate many layers of stress, grief, unaddressed trauma and alarmed aloneness, so you experience relief.
Returning clients:
1 hour session=$233 CAD
With 1 hour, I can help you connect with your body, gently touch the charge of alarmed aloneness, and accompany it, whether it is from a current moment in life, or we need to travel back to younger parts of yourself to accompany their experiences of being left alone with what was too hard.
1.5 hour session=$325 CAD
With 1.5 hours, I can help you connect with alarmed aloneness and discharge it, often through 2-3 layers or memories. We also have time to track it in the deeper layers of undischarged generational GRIEF/PANIC you may carry from mom, dad or ancestors in your family system who did not have accompaniment for their deep losses and abandonment. Or we will have time to do energy healing and craniosacral therapy on the table to calm and soothe your nervous system directly.
***I would like to express my deep gratitude and respect to Sarah Peyton, a fellow Family Constellations facilitator who is teaching me about Alarmed Aloneness and Resonance. Sarah specializes in relational neuroscience and makes it understandable to lay people!
I asked her directly and she confirmed that she coined the term Alarmed Aloneness, recognizing there was another high activation state in the nervous system that was not fight, flight or freeze.
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